Renowned American relationship therapist John Gottman uses the metaphor of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse to indicate the four types of communication that should be avoided if a couple wants to prevent their conflicts from escalating. These four are:

• Giving criticism (during a conflict)
• Responding defensively
• To despise
• Building a wall

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse originally appear in the Book of Revelation in the Bible. One conquers, another brings war, another causes food shortages, and the last kills through war, famine, and plague.

Many artists have been inspired by the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and now a psychologist too.

In Albrecht Dührer's illustration we see how the common people are trampled by the horsemen.

According to Gottman, a therapist should warn the couple when one of these four horsemen is approaching. In any case, the therapist should stop the couple's conversation if there is any direct insult.

The antidote to criticism is: Share your feelings (I-messages, not you-messages and accusations) about a particular situation and express a positive need in which you ask your partner to do something for you. For example, "I'd like you to ask me how my day was.".

Defensive responses offer a form of self-protection through whining, playing the innocent victim, or playing the innocent victim. The antidote to this is taking responsibility for at least part of the problem.

Contempt is often a comment from a superior position that contains sarcasm, name-calling, direct insults, or something sly (such as correcting someone's spelling when they're angry). Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. The antidote to contempt is the presence of respect. The therapist contributes to a culture of appreciation and admiration for each other. He or she helps the couple identify actions in the other that can be appreciated and respected.

When you build a wall, you emotionally withdraw from the interaction and stop listening. Meanwhile, your heart beats over 100 times per minute. The antidote is to soften and calm yourself, reducing your physical arousal so you can remain emotionally engaged. Relaxation and meditation help.

The aroused partner can learn to calm themselves in the presence of the other partner. It's best if one partner can help the other calm down during moments of emotional overflow, when they freeze or put up a wall.

Sometimes someone wants to run away, to escape from these situations. By staying with the feelings as a therapist during these moments, the client can learn to cope with them. By staying with the feelings, the nuances of the feelings and what the body wants to express can be expressed. This way, the escape can be reversed.